I have loved to write this blog.. I love the honesty that comes with writing, it is therapeutic. It’s a great thing to find time to journal your thoughts, moments and feelings.
So as I have just deleted eight partially written posts from the past four months.. there is no wonder things feel like they’ve gone pear shaped!
I have been so sick of my own “journey”. it is like the never ending story! I have begun to write so many posts but life has been ‘abundantly full’, a term it was suggested I use as opposed to ‘my life is frickin busy’.
Like the vast majority, life is not just full or even simply busy it is batshit crazy. I find I am so caught up in the rush of life, like a mouse in a spinning wheel, once the pace picks up it is really difficult to stop. It seems almost impossible to say no, prioritise yourself or simply slow down.
Until just like that.. out of the blue things change.
You part ways with someone you love. Have a significant change in your job. Move house unexpectedly. Break an ankle.. f@ck your knee.
None of it is planned, you didn’t expect it to happen. Like it or not. Deserved or not. It happens.
It was just eight weeks ago when it felt like life had increased in pace to batshit crazy. In fact I posted the following video and commentary to Instagram in January as I raced to the gym.
This is me. Racing from the gym to get home after work..okay so my racing is not soooo fast but it’s as fast as it gets right now!
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1000 times, life has been so busy since I have returned to work post my leg surgery. I barely have time to record my journey.. as my journey is now at full speed!
I am constantly reminded of all the hard working parents/carers/individuals trying to juggle shit in their lives.. you know work hard, care for those you love, maintain a social balance, and in my case find time to rehabilitate post #leglengtheningsurgery, the list just goes on and on!
But it is okay. I’ve decided to just accept I rush everywhere.. I do it because I’m juggling shit and that is life.
BUT there’s NO cutting corners! I’ve finally realised that the time for YOU hides in the corners!
I have cut no corners these past months, but my abundantly full and racy life (in the fast sense not the saucy sense) has meant that when I should’ve been cautious of water lying hidden on my kitchen floor I did not notice a thing.
I was too busy.
As a result the knee I have nursed so carefully (well kind of – except for the camping and flights of stairs after a few champers) popped out and then back into its joint. My physical and mental self went into shock, Yes it was incredibly painful, actually ridiculously.. but this time round not only did I have a bung knee I had to return to work and life, albeit it on crutches (again!).
It has been tough. Just like that… life changed AGAIN.
I was finally coming good following my surgery (physically and mentally). It wasn’t simply the physical slow down or the crutches that hit me this time – more the exhaustion from this process.
It has been continuous since May 2016.
Two whole years.
So yes, it physically hurt and yes I knew my ballooned knee was as a result of a tear somewhere… BUT what really messed me up was that this injury had blind sided me!
I am not saying a sore knee is anything like a family trauma/illness or a separation, but a personal injury can send you into similar emotional shock. The personal trauma experienced, when you had not expected this to happen. I have cried and felt angry, frustrated and at times depressed. The dark cloud casting a massive shadow over the ever constant question.. has this really been worth it?!
I saw Ivan in February and he explained I still had about 3cm different between my legs. Not much considering where I began but there was disappointment. Not mine, Ivan’s.
The knowledge of a return to this state again in the next 6-8mths to remove the rods in my leg and the knowledge I will have to regain and rebuild the muscle strength I have always held dear.. you bet I have wondered ‘why oh why did I decide to do this‘.
It has been balanced by the small wins.. the equilibrium my body has felt. The moments I had begun to feel strong again and the reality that there is no value in looking back.
Well apart from at this pic – sent with a personal message from my sister (Jellina). It was the last time I had a similar injury to my knee in 1992 – here I am at the opening of Movie World on the Gold Coast!
If that wasn’t making me feel old enough, my beautiful 12yr old Stella kindly pointed out that I must be old as the crutches are wooden in this picture. Ha.
Appears I have always been a cracking crutcher ‘ 😜 and it’s the inappropriate one lined crutch references where I have really improved!
Jellina has suggested I could even crutch for Australia, if such an event existed at the Olympic Games!
I think I’d look great in green and gold.