The past week or so I’ve had a brief hiatus from writing my blog. Why?.. well I feel lost for words.Uncanny really as plenty have been spinning around in my head but they never really transform into sentences of any interest. Perhaps it is just my lack of progress at the moment. You see I feel like I have been in a holding pattern for the past four weeks waiting for things to improve enough for the next stage to come along.
It is a bit like being on a 24hr long haul flight and you’ve had enough of it. You are cramped and uncomfortable, your seatbelt is on as the plane has descended, but the landing has been delayed. Opening the door to disembark now is not an option. You can see the lights of your destination but the plane continues to circle.. around and around, you’re not sure for how much longer this will go on, you hope that you don’t run out of fuel. Can fuel last a month?
Who would think an analogy about a delayed flight would so accurately reflect how I’m feeling.. the delay raises a whole lot of emotions including anger, anxiety disappointment, fear, impatience. The list could go on but they are pointless emotions because at the end of the day I’m stuck on the f@cking plane.
So I’ve cursed and cared for the frame on my leg and now I curse and care about the frame on my bent leg. It is looking a little like I have two right legs (true) which might be handy in a three legged race if someone is strapped to my left?! Gee watch out at the next fete…
It is not that I wanted it to be aesthetically pleasing but I really didn’t expect an unexplainable bend that I never had before. I feel a bit ripped off, like I’ve traded a straight short leg for a long bent one. Is that even a good trade? My current mantra is ‘it may remodel, it may remodel’. Please note – I do not actually believe that it will remodel. I’ve got no idea if it will even work properly as my holding pattern also means no walking. I think it is that which frustrates me most right now. As almost 9 months on crutches is starting to wear thin.
I am daydreaming about the absolute freedom of jumping out of the car without lifting the crutches out first, standing in the shower and letting the water run down my face and exercising again so that my mind and body can feel more active (and healthy!).
The list of things I miss is long and at times I curse myself for being a brat about it when I actually made this choice. I often have a chat to myself.. it usually goes a little but like.. shut the fark up!
You see this past few weeks I’ve been witnessing my local community rally around a couple of incredible men. One who, as a result of a surfing accident, is now a paraplegic. Lying in a hospital spinal unit indefinitely as he tries to regain the use of his hands and upper body so that he might be able to undertake basic tasks, while adapting to wheelchairs and dreaming of regaining movement in his legs so that he can walk his fiancé down the aisle. The other a beautiful soul affected suddenly by the Big C. As we all know cancer is not selective when choosing its next victim, because if it was it would have stood back when this kind hearted man came along. I have got everything crossed for both of these men that they have faith in their journeys as it will help them face a difficult today and celebrate a small step tomorrow.
So while everyone is entitled to their own story and my personal battle is just that.. my personal battle. The last few weeks have really been all about perspective and keeping it real. So yes I am totally over the process and I am bored and I wish my leg was not bent and I really am not sure yet that the outcome of this past 9 months will prove that it’s been worth it. I certainly hope that it has been.
BUT there are so many others out there suffering so much more right now. In fact they might even wish for their only issue to be using crutches with onelong bent leg.
So if you’ve got a few extra special thoughts, prayers or positive vibes please send them to Scott and Paul so that they too will keep taking small steps forward everyday.