Two steps forward and five steps back, well that’s how it feels after my appointment with Ivan today.
Ten days after my last appointment where we saw that I had achieved 10cm I really was expecting to be edging towards 11cm today but after analysing new X-rays that can be assessed online, I have in fact only just achieved a total of 9.7cms.
I think I said something like (excuse the language) ‘well that is f@cked’ and I meant it.. Don’t get me wrong yes it’s still a great length but I felt genuinely disappointed, I have gone backwards (well due to X-ray accuracy 😢).
I know to everyone else it’s ‘just’ another week – in the scheme of things what’s ‘just’ another 2wks and hopefully it’ll be done.
But it’s NOT ‘just’ another week. It’s another week where I spend most of my day in bed, where I miss seeing my kids play sport, or experience the pleasure of leaving the house under my own steam, it’s just another day when I need a hand into the shower, and someone to help me out of the car. It’s another week my mum lives out of a suitcase in my home and it’s ‘just’ a whole lot longer than I had anticipated this would go for…
I had a timetable for the extension (in my head) but it appears things change, shit happens, bones aren’t predicatable. It sucks. As a project manager this constant schedule variation is killing me.
I didn’t feel sad when Ivan told me.. I felt angry.
‘This is a marathon Rosie’.
Too right it is, and yeh i felt a bit disappointed but afterwards I felt anxious. I have suffered with anxiety before.. I know my trigger is being over tired and worry. Worrying about the future, worrying about things that may/may not happen and filling the unknown by jumping to conclusions.
I think I was worrying that this is in fact The Never Ending bloody Story that I am telling. I want this to end and I worry about how much longer I can remain this strong.
I am tired – physically and emotionally.
When you see the light at the end of the tunnel you can’t help but wonder what it’s going to be like on the otherside and to plan what you want to do when you surface…. The issue is I have to manoeuvre my way through the tunnel yet and I need to watch my step.
So tonight I’ve had a big cry – and now I need panadol and sleep.
BUT before I go (I need to end on a positive) I have discovered something wonderful tonight. I can lie on my tummy again (first time in 14wks!). Excuse the incredibly unflattering photo (again).
Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m hoping its a cracker.