Are you ok? 

I am not going lie. It has been a tough week. 

All week I have been generally overtired and sore with most days this week littered with silent tears from the burning, stinging pain being experienced as my ligaments, tissues and tendons stretch to the point that my lower leg is so tight it looks like it may split. 

The ankle pain is crazy with shadow bruising appearing like a quiet testament to my experience across my left heel and stretching up my achilles. I have increased medication (within the allowed limits this time) as and when necessary to get myself through these final weeks of extension! Unfortunately I’ve not found the relief I had hoped for…

In addition to the tibia related growing pain, the movement of the Ilizarov frame is not going to plan.  It is pushing into my hamstring  directly above the back of my knee. The risk being a pressure sore, but the reality is its just bloody uncomfortable all of the time and has affected my knees scope of movement. 

The Ilizarov frame is pushing into the back of my leg constantly, it is annoying and drives me crazy at the moment!

 In my heart I know that I cannot complete the extension program or commence consolidation until the issue with the frame is addressed.  
The long, long, LONG evenings and the pain compounded on Wednesday and Thursday and resulted in me being a blithering emotional mess at various times throughout the days and nights as I hit my pain threshold. It was further exacerbated when I read my X-ray letter on Thursday  (I know I know I shouldn’t).

The letter spoke of the tibia and that it had grown 0.9cm this past week.  It is now 4.4cm longer than it was when I began! So in total my leg is now 9.5cm longer. (NB: this WAS NOT the sad bit.. this was VERY exciting!)  
It was the bit that went into detail explaining that I had severe degeneration of the ankle joint that did it.. I just felt like after going through this entire difficult, life stopping, painful, shithouse procedure I’d end up with the leg length  but won’t be able to walk because my ankle is stuffed!!

I will be honest. I felt defeated. So I cried.

Actually I sobbed. I sobbed for every single thing I haven’t been able to do, I sobbed because I felt sorry for myself, I sobbed because I felt sorry for everyone looking after me. I sobbed because all of a sudden I had doubt.

It felt good to have a big cry, to get it all out…  It came to an end when I soon realised Dr Google was wasting my time  with the ankle analysis I was trying to undertake and mum was looking at me with those tear filled eyes that you have when someone you love is hurting and you can’t take any of it away.  Anyway I was seeing Ivan Friday he’d had the answers.

So at midday on Friday I crutched back into Ivan’s office and ran into this beautiful chick!

Liz has now started working in Ivan’s office it is so fab ❤️.. still makes me smile, such a crazy small world!
Straight up Ivan looked at my X-ray and assessed the frame. “There’s no way to avoid it Rosie, we need to go back into surgery”. 
My heart sunk but I had known this would be the only way forward.  “Yes I figured”.

“We need to adjust the frame as a priority. There are a number of options for me to do this but I will decide once you are under, worst case it may involve moving one or even two of the pin sites (rods inserted into the tibia)” Ivan explained. 

“I hope you don’t have to do that” I whispered as he continued to work through the procedure required. “You will also need your Achilles released. I released it a little when you had surgery initially, this time I will release it a lot, it’s too tight and holding back the extension and causing too much pain’, Ivan explained. 

“Ok, so what about my ankle Ivan. The report said it is ‘severely degenerated’?!  What’s the point of all of doing this.. if I won’t be able to walk on it”, I said as tears started to drip down my face. “I just feel a bit defeated…” I said wiping away the tears.

“Rosie do not read the reports. PLEASE. Yes your ankle is probably severely degenerated. But long story short, it will work again with physio, OK?” He said with raised eyebrows looking at me.  “Are you sure” I said through everyone chiming ‘told you not to read it you just get yourself upset’….

“Yes. Now I wanted to talk to you about your Mental Health. Are you ok? You have a good GP, have you spoken to her about perhaps something to ‘prop’ you up?  This is a really difficult process.” Ivan said looking at me with genuine care in his eyes. 

I looked at Ivan with my “WTF” face. I couldnt help but giggle “I do not need medication (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I am positive 90% of the time, I always looking on the bright side of life BUT I cry if and when I need to…. I consider it healthy! I practice mindfulness exercises and try to centre my energy on right here and now, remaining positive and keeping perspective amongst this craziness that is growing bone. To be honest I am amazed by my patience with this process I have remained focussed on the prize at the end. It is not easy, it is damn painful and I’m an emotional chick so tears have to be a part of this journey”. 

Ivan nodded, but he was not sold. I’m not sure he has a lot of 41 year old women patients..well not like me 😜

This is a long windy rocky road that doesn’t finish when the extension is done, it will just get bumpier as I begin physiotherapy. I have no doubt that I will laugh, scream, stomp and cry along the way – but I think that’s ok.

So this blog is a long winded way of saying I am going back into surgery on Monday. I am ok,  I feel a bit sad about it (I am not depressed not that there anything wrong with that). Once the surgery is done and recovery complete I will finish the extension of my tibia. 

I am hoping for at least another 1cm, taking me to almost 11cms gained across both bones. Ivan is worried my knee will dislocate, so we need to take it slowly.

No idea when I’ll be done now. Fingers crossed my leg can keep itself together even if I cannot. 

** Please note all conversations in this blog are a summary of my recall of discussions and are not word for word accurate.

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22 thoughts on “Are you ok? 

  1. Di

    Oh babe… You’ve come so far.. Home stretch is just over the hill… This is just a detour… Like turning off to get coffee.. Thinking of you always, it’s amazing what you have done so far. I always said you are an amazing women xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes true babe..it better be a bloody good coffee!! Lol. Yeh it’s not far away now I can almost feel it just a bugger when so close.. but it’s for the best and hey what’s another bump in the road! Thanks for your love and constant support AND BOOKS! I love ya xxx

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  2. Trish Tanks

    Oh Rosie, just wish I was close enough to give you a big hug….always thinking of you and wondering how you are….I have to say you are such an inspiration to me in regard to
    my own journey. All of the good positive words and thoughts to you and your family……
    Lots of love
    Trish

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh don’t you worry when I get through this Susan, Di snd I are coming for a visit AND I’ll collect those big hugs then! I think of you often and draw strength from what you’ve been through often Trish. Love ya Rosie xxxx

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  3. Jen

    With such intestinal fortitude you are still moving forward, painfully and slowly. Makes me wonder what other strategies are there that supplement mindfulness, sheer determination and a positive outlook. You light create something new knowing you Rosie.
    Love and hope all goes brilliantly Monday. Jen xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tracey

    Rosie, when you think about it – it would have been an absolute miracle to get through this massive change without one or two problems popping up. It’s just a detour on the road to your ultimate destination. I’ve learnt to stay the hell away from Google too – there is nothing to be found there but fear and doubt. I decided that I would trust that my lovely doctors have my back and are doing everything in their power to keep me alive, and that is working for me 🙂
    Trust your doctor – continue to ask questions of him as they arise for you and have faith that he wants the best possible outcome for you as much as you do yourself. You’ve got this – you’ll get there xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wise words Tracey – thank you. I appreciate it and know that you of all people would know too well the dangers of Dr Google. I trust Ivan implicitly and I know that when he says he was up st 4am worrying about me that he has a legitimate and genuine care about me and my future well being! And you’re so right we had actually expected that it would be earlier on in the piece that I would have to go under not so close to the end.. So it was almost a miracle but now just a little detour. Thanks for your support xxx

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  5. Michelle Molloy

    Oh Rosie I was crying just reading your blog…you are so strong and positive. ..I’m sending you hugs love and admiration. …keep going small steps…you can do it one day at a time. …xxxooo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Therese

    Dear Rosie….you are in inspiration and very brave girl. After reading your recent post of your most recent trying times it has made me a little ashamed of myself. I have been somewhat upset with myself as I have not been recovering as quick as I should (due entirely to my reckoning!!) after my gall bladder op last week. My experience cannot compare to what you are going through, my love. If anything Rosie, you can feel uplifted (even if it’s only a little) that you have not only put my “issues” in perspective but you also highlight what our bodies can tolerate, before it begins to heal….and it will Rosie xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Therese.. Each of us is entitled to experience pain in our own way. I’ve never had a gall bladder op and I can’t imagine that’s a whole lot of fun either! I am constantly reminding myself to have perspective during this process. I chose to undertake the procedure, I’m alive I’m generally well and I’m able to be at home as opposed to in hospital. Things I am totally thankful for… Take care of yourself and rest up xxx

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  7. Kathrine Bonney

    Sounds like you have a really great Doctor taking care of you.
    Best wishes for Monday!
    Your massive fan club of family, friends and loyal blog readers will be cheering you on with all their hearts!
    Keep talking, writing, sharing – you’re so inspirational! ♡

    From the other K-A-T-H-R-I-N-E 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I absolutely do have a brilliant specialist – he is a genuinely beautiful man. Thanks so much for cheering me on.. I’m feeling the love and it makes me grateful that I chose to share my story. It reminds me that regardless of everything I am really lucky. Thanks KATHRINE 😁

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  8. Trish Tanks

    Thinking of you today……..just do whatever you have to so you get through it. I don’t think anyone of us appreciated how tough your journey would be…..
    But
    You are closer to the finish line every day…..
    Have a couple of glasses of red wine when you go to bed. Might help you get some sleep….
    Like me
    Have the “A” plan
    The “B” plan
    And the What the F..k park

    You have always been a remarkable young woman but now you just blow everyone out of the park

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much For thinking of me Teish ❤️ I don’t think I appreciated how hard this was going to be either… Unfortunately no turning back now!! Yep will give that red wine a shot!!
      Love ya Trish xxxx

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  9. Donnamaree

    Rosie, I cannot fathom what you are experiencing! You deserve the very very best outcome at the end of this incredible journey in life you are now struggling through. You are constantly in my thoughts. Each time I see your lovely face on Facebook, I think ‘how can she look so beautiful when she is in so much pain?!’ Sending much love and prayers to you, especially during your next procedure on Monday xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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